2 years and still going strong....

It has been two years since my final radiation treatment and I am still cancer free, for now. I feel good, healthy, a little tired, and VERY thankful to still be around. I must say that I am very blessed to have a wonderful and supportive family. I truly appreciate my life with all its ups and downs. I have decided to stop being a spectator and jump back in the game again...set my goals...strategize...surround myself with positive people...and work to create the life I dream of.

One strange "side effect" is that the reality of my situation is finally starting to hit me, now, after 2+ years. I thought by this point, it would all be behind me, but tons of feelings are now coming to the surface. Logically, it does not make sense. I had to deal with the emotions as I was going through it all, right? I accepted my situation and moved forward, fighting with my entire being to defeat this cancer and become healthy again, right? I conquered my fears and uncertainties, right?.....well, yes AND no. I dealt with the urgent matters to get through that first phase (diagnosis and treatment). Now, I am moving onto the second phase (ongoing treatment/checkups and living as a cancer survivor).

I find myself being overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. I am filled with an odd sense of FEAR, uncertainty of the future, and an unsettling feeling that time is slipping away. I am ANGRY that I had to go through all this, that I had to put my family and friends through it, that even though I am well now, my situation could change at any moment. I am SAD about how my illness seems to have pushed my wife and I apart. She feels like she should have done more but I would not let her. I feel like she should not have had to be burdened/troubled with my illness in the first place. I am FED-UP -- with the follow-up appointments -- with thinking about what will happen next -- with the wondering if it will all start again. I am FRUSTRATED with how this has effected my life, my family, my children, my wife, my marriage. I am DISAPPOINTED -- in myself for not being stronger, for not being more outwardly appreciative of my family (they mean so much and helped me so much, but I did not do a very good job of telling them), and for not being more open about my feelings (then and now). I am BLIND-SIDED by the flood of emotions that are hitting me now and feel like a failure that I did not deal with all of this already. I am SORRY that I was so stubborn, that I kept so much to myself, that I felt like I had to protect those I love from my struggles, that I was silent as I suffered, that I could not openly face my fears, weaknesses, and ask for help when I needed it. Most of all I am HAPPY, THANKFUL and RELIEVED -- to be alive, to have made it this far, to have such a great/loving family, to have a God that protects and heals, but especially, to have another chance to learn from my mistakes and do it all better in the future.

The result of this emotional rat's nest...I am seeing a counselor/therapist to figure this out (along with trying to process my mom's passing in Nov '06). It sees to be going fairly well. The best way to sum it up is that I did everything I could in the best way I could at the time. Now, it is time to do the same with the waves of emotions that are hitting me. I am not sure what the future holds (more health issues, family issues, who knows), but whatever IT is, I cannot control the future, I can only enjoy the ride...take time for the little things in life...appreciate the mundane...celebrate the special moments... and above all, live with no regrets [at least from today forward].